What is the funniest dirty joke you know?
(I don’t want yahoo to delete this so remember people, its all fun & games, let’s not get offended.)
What is the funniest dirty joke you know?
(I don’t want yahoo to delete this so remember people, its all fun & games, let’s not get offended.)
Three gay guys were sitting in a hot tub one evening, relaxing and enjoying themselves. All of a sudden, this great big glob of “sea-men” floats to the top. One of them asks:
“Alright, which one of you sick b@stards farted?”
A hunter was walking through the woods one day, looking for something he could kill and eat. He spots a bear and shoots two rounds into his chest, only to make the bear angry. The bear them knocks the gun away, throws him to the ground, flips him over, and $crews the guy in the @$$.
A very angry hunter comes back the next day with an Uzi. He spots the bear and unloads an entire clip on him. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, throws him down, flips him over, and $crews him in the @$$.
An even angrier hunter comes back the next day, this time with an anti-tank cannon (as to where the hell he gets it, I have no idea). He spots the bear, takes aim, fires at his chest, only to watch the shell bounce harmlessly off. The bear then knocks the gun away, throws him down, flips him over, and says:
“You know, something tells me you don’t come here to hunt!”
your vagina has a smile
Q: How does Chuch Norris make his penis 12 inches long?
A: He folds it in half!
these two idiots were out hunting one day and one of them got himself a big deer,so they were bother dragin the deer to the truck.one said to the other this thing is heavy,lets make it easier on our selfs lets drag it from the other end.about twenty minutes later the guy said this alot easier huh?the second guy answered yea this alot easier but aint we getting further away from the f*ckin truck?
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his pecker and dragged him to the garage. After putting his private parts into a vice and removing the key so it couldn’t be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger.
The naked offender said, “My god you are not going to cut it off?”
The husband handed him the saw and replied, “Oh no sir, But I think you will. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision!
****
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your a$$es in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B!TCH in the kitchen!!!.”
they are not dirty but pretty funny Enjoy!!
One bright summer day an attractive young lady, very much the debutante, went up on the roof of her London hotel for some sun bathing. She laid down in a likely spot but noticed that in a few minutes the shadow of a neighboring building began to cover her legs. She sat up and looked around for a better location. Off to her right was a large flat area that couldn’t be overlooked so she moved to it. She turned around slowly and noticed that no one was in sight. She smiled and proceeded to remove her bathing suit top, then her suit bottom, laid face down, draped a towel across her rump, and drifted off to sleep.
Some time later she woke and opened her eyes to see a pair of brightly-polished shoes in front of her. She glanced up. An officious-looking man in formal attire stood at near attention, carefully avoiding looking down at her. “Madam,” he said stiffly. “I am afraid you cannot sun bath here.”
“But why not?” she asked. “I’m up here all by myself and I’m not bothering anyone.”
The man cleared his throat uncomfortably, “Madam, you are sunbathing on the glass roof of the restaurant.”
or
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.
So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected photos of as many beautiful women as he could find. He then mailed them to his girlfriend with the following note:
“I’m sorry, I can’t remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.”
also
One day a wealthy man gathered a world famous-physicist, a renown mathematician and an ordinary engineer and challenged them to solve a puzzle. He placed them in a room with a beautiful blonde laying in a bed. The millionaire said that the trick to getting to her was that each man could only travel half of the distance from where he stood to the bed with each step. The first step would take one of them half way there, the second to the three-quarter position, the third seven-eighths, and so on. He then dared them to try and reach the blonde.
The physicist took two steps, each shorter than the last, shook his head realizing that he could never get all the way there, turned and stalked out of the room.
The mathematician took one step, scratched his head thoughtfully, then left, grumbling.
The engineer, with a mind more attuned to practical solutions, took two steps, said, “close enough, ” and jumped into the bed.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that.” “Just put the jacket on backwards,” his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, “Are they showing any signs of life?” “Well,” Banta explained, “the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!”
8 things you’ll never hear a man say…
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
5. While I’m up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.
The first one opened his lunchbox and said, “Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!” So he shot himself with a rivet gun.
The second one opened his lunchbox and said, “Eeew, ham! I hate ham!” So he jumped off the building.
The third one opened his box and said, “Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!” So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.
At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.
The first wife said, “I thought he liked turkey!”
The second one said, “I thought he liked ham!”
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, “I thought he packed his own lunch.”
There were three guys on top of the cn tower, and they met a genie, the genie said I will give you one wish each, what you wish for you will jump off and land in it. the first guy wished to land in gold, so off he jumped and landed in gold, the second guy wished for lots of money he landed in money, the third guy said I wish for,,, Oh man I forget, oh crap, and with out Knowing he landed in a pile of crap.